I'm starting to really enjoy the identity crisis I've been having for the last year. Having no external bearings has forced me to find some internal guidance and it's really lovely. My heart feels like a fuzzy little kitten purring away for no reason. I have little concern with thoughts about where my career should be by now or what I should be doing to make it go where I want it to go if I knew where that was.
I have been wanting to follow my heart for many years and the effort mostly filled me with consternation. I could never figure out what it was telling me and I was afraid I didn't have the courage to hear. I was being too literal, I thought I could glance at my heart, ask it what to do and receive an answer through the linguistic part of my brain. I finally decided to listen without expecting an answer. It did not feel like a fuzzy kitten at all. It felt like cardboard, plywood splinters and barbed wire.
The more I listen the closer I feel to my own life so I keep at it even when it's not so comfortable. Now I see it more as dwelling in my heart. I feel what is going on in there without interpreting and find I make better decisions which makes life more joyful. It really isn't so mysterious. If your home is a place to crash in between work and social obligations but you start really dwelling in it, you will probably find yourself making it more cozy...cleaning it up a bit, planting flowers outside. You don't agonize over it, you just feel the chair would be better in the corner by the window so you move it. I'm trying not to expect that it will always be so easy, but I am really enjoying it.
The piece below is my original sketch for the poem. The piece above seemed totally unrelated, but inspired the top painting because I loved working on the handmade paper so much. I don't remember if I made it out of just abaca or an abaca/cotton-linters blend but I do remember sizing each sheet individually with gelatin. Using it makes me long for the days before mass production and plastic, but maybe it wouldn't feel so special if everything were so crafted. I'm not sure what I think about the crow at the top but I love the piece, it reminds me of the work I made before I went back to school and seems wholly of my own voice.
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